Perhaps we shall never truly be outro the woods
Last year, I asked a question no other Nottingham-based online music journalist has dared ask: why is there just so many songs called Intro? Or INTRO? Or sometimes, even, intro? To the untrained eye, it may look like I have just written three very different names. But through my sharpened ability for pattern-recognition, I discovered that those are all in fact the same word (intro) with slight variations in the capitalisation. Despite the fact their jobs be to make noises, the musical elite remain eerily silent on what this word means, and why they are all making songs about this word, even after my initial investigation caught a Pulitzer prize-nomination from my AI girlfriend, Pulitzer Prize-giving Jennifer.
And yet again, a new song title is being repeated to us, like we won’t notice, like we’re stupid, like we’re thick as shit, like we’re not all gifted children in the school of brains. “Outro”. That’s even less of a word than that other one! And once more, I have to do something about it. With no more delays, let’s get to what you are all reading this article for:
Data Analysis
Through scraping the music database Musicbrainz.org API with a Python script in a way which we all pray is in line with their terms of service, I found that there are 10,003 known tracks called Outro. These were collated into a spreadsheet for my further analysis:
While some entries claimed to precede 1971, the first Outro which remains available to listen to by any conventional digital means appeared in that year (we’ll get to you, Gilbert). As you might notice from the graph below, the count of Outro songs (or colloquially, Outros) steadily increased from then, reaching a peak in 2008.
Is the preceding dip in Outros after 2008 an unshaken symptom of the housing crisis? In this journalist’s opinion: hm. Below you will see a second graph:
That one’s pretty cool too, right? This concludes the data analysis section.
The list below was collated from listening to every single one of those 10,003 songs called “Outro”, totalling approximately 337 hours of listening to weird little skits and fake voicemails. I suffer to report the facts, and I would never cut that all down to like 3 hours of listening by vaguely picking out the ones from artists I maybe recognise, or the ones who have funny-ish names.
The List
50.
Outro – Gucci Mane (From 3 Feet High and Rising)
Some raspberries are blown into the microphone. This does nothing to endear the masses to you or your handbags, Gucci.
Outro – Lola Young (From This Wasn’t Meant For You Anyway)
49.
Individualism will be the death of us all, and it is no excuse for talking so close to my ear.
48.
Outro – DJ Kurupt (From Cut Da Check)
If you were stuck wondering how to get in touch with DJ Kurupt, or what his Twitter username is, then you really won’t believe your luck with this one.
Outro – Porky Vagina (From Bukkageddon (Remastered))
47.
Created by a D-tier Batman villain who commits crimes just for the attention.
46.
OUTRO – 888×888 (From R0XSTAR)
Voicemail fans strap in! In this voicemail, some person says they miss being with R0XSTAR. Touching to hear, but an obvious violation of GDPR laws to share this.
Outro – Tom MacDonald (From LeeAnn’s Son)
45.
Alt-right Macklemore leaves a brief voicemail over a farting bass.
44.
Outro – ICE-T (From Power)
A man moans, for he is bleeding out. Another man, nearby, could help him, but he is too wrapped up in declaring his love for ICE-T to help. Not technically a song, but I did feel some feeling for the bleeding man.
OUTRO – Lucha, Nyukyung (From THE ROAD TO KING)
43.
Game of Thrones-core beat, with way too many instruments. Mute some of them please!
42.
OUTRO – Rockwellxl, Ms Chynadoll (From The Sex Tape)
I know this is meant to be like, verisimilitudinous of a sex tape, so the repeating of “lets make a sex tape baby” isn’t meant to be taken literally. But it brings me towards impatience, not tension, and I feel entirely nothing sexual from this.
Outro – Amy Winehouse (From Frank)
41.
Amy isn’t here. There’s some jazz going on, and a man tells us to leave.
40.
OUTRO – Dhanjeet Ramnatsing (From T.A.B)
Insane midi tuba over random infomercial samples. I worry that highlighting this track will create a copyright lawsuit for this nice, independent artist, so remember to delete this entry from the list, Chris.
Outro – Soulja Boy (From Paranormal Activity)
39.
A man named DJ Woogie sings Soulja Boy’s praises, of which I am sure there are many. A gunshot rings out, as often proves the case in songs called “outro”, implying Woogie is fucking dead.
38.
Outro – Bob Marley,Neville Willoughby (From Bob Marley Interviews: So Much Things to Say)
A bit of Natural Mystic by Bob Marley starts playing, which is not a song called “Outro”, but yet still exists within a song called “Outro”. I hate this.
Outro – The Cool Cafe: Cool Tape Vol. 1 (From Jaden Smith)
37.
14 year-old Jaden Smith shouts out his family, including his dad. And uh, if you are scared of gore, do NOT google what his dad did this one time at this one guy called Oscar’s house. Frightening stuff!
36.
outro – alt! (From #altcore)
I got a sewing needle stuck in my computer fan once, it sounded similar.
Outro – Tash Sultana (From Flow State)
35.
Tash Sultana’s guitar goes diddley-doo-doo. Eventually the guitar stops, and so concludes the track.
34.
Outro – Jojo’s ASMR (From My Last ASMR Video Here)
Jojo tells me that he is feeling burnt out, but insists on whispering this to me. Points for wishing me a wonderful day, and making me feel like I will!
Outro – Guilty Simpson (From OJ Simpson)
33.
A marriage of Thunderbirds explosion noises and Michael Jackson noises, to which you are cordially invited.
32.
Outro – Nines (From Crop Circle)
Nines could well be the most prolific “Outro” creator, with six different tracks all called “Outro”. When reached out for comment on his love for “Outro” songs, Nines remained silent, but his publicist would like me to clarify that his silence is “deafening”.
Outro – Kokoroko (From Could We Be More)
31.
I clapped along with this track and felt refreshed, I was then heartbroken by its brevity.
30.
Outro – Calva Louise (From Over The Threshold)
A soundtrack to an early 2000s fantasy movie starring child actor Freddie Highmore, but the composer has been told to tone it down because they’re sick of hearing Danny Elfman rip-off shite. Child actor Freddie Highmore declined to come to the premiere, instead opting to stay home and clean his Gogo’s Crazy Bones collection. Ends in the middle of nowhere.
Outro – T.I. (From F*ck A Mixtape)
29.
T.I. says he wants to be cool and not go back to prison, which I hope is a message the kids can get behind. Really boring drums here.
28.
Outro – Giggs (From When Will It Stop)
Almost felt like an OK introspective track, and then he says “Thinking back to when I used to wipe poo off his arse”. Unnecessary! Don’t think back to that please!
Outro – Young T & Bugsey (From Truth Be Told)
27.
“This one’s so much different than the other ones” Bugsey says, whilst I have him trapped inside my list of songs with the same name.
26.
OUTRO – CHIKA (From SAMSON: THE ALBUM)
Considerably more effort put in than up to now, but still a very short track! Does this even count as music? I hope to hear music again someday soon.
Outro – Snoop Dogg (From Malice ‘N Wonderland)
25.
Another phone call, this time from the POV of Snoop “Scared of Gays in Toy Story Spin-off Movies” Dogg. I hope one day we will find out why that is his middle-name. Some nice little saxophone here, almost qualifying this as a song.
24.
Outro – Biophobia (From The Holy Office)
A guitar yells for a while over other guitars, overall nice and warm guitar tones. Not the most unmoving instrumental committed to the form, made by someone whose key influences are the Guitar Hero 3 playlist and the 2013 Tom Cruise movie, Oblivion.
Outro – Hobo Johnson (From The Revenge Of Hobo Johnson)
23.
Hobo Johnson throws a lot at the wall here: he meditates on the phrase “The Revenge of Hobo Johnson”, he tries letting the audience know he appreciates them. I finally leaned forward in my seat when he began to give some sensible and practical advice for limiting social media’s impact on your life, glad Mr. Johnson felt he could use his platform for some good.
22.
Outro – YA (From Mind Of A Grafta)
YA raps competently, and lets us know that he made his album in just three weeks! Wow that is quick! We’re proud of you, YA!
Outro – Nines (From One Foot In)
21.
This is the archetype of songs named “Outro”: Some feelings are roughly alluded to, a gunshot sound effect occurs near the end to indicate that the artist has died creating this work, and a stranger comes in to let me know I can stop listening now. But I still have so much more to listen to.
20.
Outro – Limp Bizkit (From Chocolate Starfish And The Hot Dog Flavored Water)
A 9 minute 50 second deconstruction of the essence of Limp Bizkit. A man seems intent on harassing Fred Durst while he is busy producing our favourite Limp Bizkit arias, until his bullying of young Fred causes a time-loop. One for the Charlie Kaufman fans.
Outro – Woody (From Bull Fightin’ betty)
19.
Tapeloopy, passable 2014 Mac Demarco song. Inexplicably not made by Mac Demarco, and published this very year of our lord.
18.
Outro – M83 (From Hurry up We’re Dreaming)
A 17 year-old could feasibly put this on before, like, planning on holding another 17 year-old’s hand or something. And I guess, is that so wrong? Do you hate this 17 year-old? Shall we kill them with a gun for you?
Outro – Jembaa Groove (From Ye Ankasa | We Ourselves)
17.
Atmospheric trumpet and E-Piano piece, like being buried under a nice blanket, and sitting in the corner of a shopping centre’s elevator.
16.
Outro – T-Koor (From I.N.T.R.O)
A dose of concentrated French, over a Looney Tunes soundboard. A gunshot at the end once more, perhaps this time from famous Blackwater contractor Elmer Fudd, known for both his cartoons and the Nisour Square incident.
Outro – Death Grips (From Year Of The Snitch)
15.
The boss battle theme for an imaginary Sega Genesis game, in which you are fist-fighting a large rat.
14.
Outro – Naomi Kimpenu (From Red Tape)
A soulful, reverby piece featuring strings, and some well-executed vocal runs. It is far too short however, and someone fucked up the fade-out. Double check your work aldways.
Outro – Wiz Khalifa (From Kush & Orange Juice)
13.
Wiz Khalifa sounds like he’s just woke up from a nice nap. V cute.
12.
Outro – Gilbert O’Sullivan (From Himself (Deluxe Edition))
This is, to all records remaining, the first ever track called “Outro”. And it’s a pleasant one, we are thanked sincerely. When reached out for comment about starting this phenomenon, Gilbert instructed me to keep his name out of my mouth.
Outro – Nines, Gappy Ranks (From Quit While You’re Ahead)
11.
A nice instrumental which sits in the DMZ between 2010s trap and Boom bap. A woman in the corner tells the audience something about life.
Outro – Bizzy Banks (From GMTO Vol. 1 (Get Money Take Over))
9.
The bass sounds like a new non-verbal muppet character who can only communicate through supportive moans. Fun beat, expressive delivery.
8.
Outro – Lil Wayne, Bun B, Nas, Shyne, Busta Rhymes (From Tha Carter IV (Explicit Version))
Nas giving it all he’s got, Busta Rhymes making it the first and only time my jaw has dropped in listening to these. Former leader of the opposition in Belize’s house of representatives, Shyne, appears, dragging the whole track down with how much he needs a drink of water.
Outro – Old Man Saxon (From Rothkos Chicken and Waffles)
7.
Your run-of-the-mill, good little Old Man Saxon track. “Better get the fuck up” is sung with a beautiful naivety!
6.
Outro – Prodigy (From Welcome to the Show (Deluxe))
Waterfally synths and a grooving drum pattern from some random guy who realised you can simply just take “The” out of “The Prodigy” and get a totally different artist name.
Outro – Jenny Bakke (From Morild)
5.
The shortest outro in known existence, at 1.5 seconds long, featuring a stick hitting something. I was meant to cut and paste this to a much lower rank, but I forgot to. When reached out for comment about her astonishing record, Jenny spoke in a decipherable ancient tongue, making my hairs stand on end.
4.
OUTRO – QWER (From 2nd Mini Album ‘Algorithm’s Blossom’)
A triumphant trumpet piece with a tasteful, texturally beautiful mix job done with sparse elements. I don’t understand Korean, so hopefully only nice things are being said here, about people and life.
OUTRO – M-rod,HamyyD (From MAHMUD)
3.
The facts of this track are that it is lyrically unimaginative, underproduced mumble rap, and yet I can’t deny what my heart wants for here. It feels lazy, and it is fully committed to laziness in such a way that it is deeply endearing.
2.
Outro – Vulfpeck (From Vollmilch)
Toe-tapping fun from everyone’s favourite, obvious CIA psyop band.
Outro – Jockstrap (From Love Is the Key to the City)
1.
A beautiful orchestral track, dynamic and pointed, made by absolute nerds. Kind of Tom and Jerry vogue. Absolutely gorgeous and ear-stabbing, in the way a song called “Outro” deserves to be.
These were overall quite a lot worse to listen to than the intros, and I had a terrible time. Stay outro-licious and see you again next year.